You need to ask for help!

You need to ask for help!

Playing it safe.
The past month has been a bit of a wild ride.
For the first time ever I can actually say that I have experienced depression and anxiety on a level that has felt out of my control in the moment.
I have cried more in public than I ever had before.
I have reached out to others and asked for help like I never have before.
I truly feel like I have hit the bottom.

Having flashes of seeing my husband in the funeral home.
Going back to moments at his funeral and remembering the feeling of just becoming a hugging pole.
November and in a un air conditioned pavilion doesn’t make hugging a hundred odd people fun!
The sound of the deafening silence as people wanted to speak but no one knew what to say.
This has been my head space.

My salon business has had some dramatic changes in the  last year and I really allowed myself to get up in my head about it all.
I questioned everything, I doubted everything, I wanted to run and hide my head in the sand and only come out to play when the coast was clear.
Reality is in business the coast is never clear. When you are dealing with other people you never know what is going to happen and you can not control it.
The only thing you can control is how you react and respond to the situation.
I feel like I have lost friends as well as team mates.
It fucking hurts!
And that’s what happens when you run a business from a place of emotion and the more I look back on it, I did partially re open Diamond Cut as an outlet!
A space to reconnect with humans and have adult conversation after having a baby.
But then it actually became my place to hide.
My place to keep my mind busy, my place to allow the business problems to seem like the biggest and most important problems I had.

When in fact my “problems” ran much deeper than that.
Being someone who loves to be bright and colorful and always change their look and always going after crazy big goals and adventures, rather than it being a true and inspiring vision, it became a mask.
When I felt sad I would spend money, When I felt sad I would change my look, When I wanted to retreat and shy away I would become bigger and brighter.
I was doing this shit upside down, sideways and inside out.
I didn’t know how to do it any other way.
I had been this way my whole life. And I do truly love who I am!
I am fucking funny, I am inspiring and I am bright and colorful there is no doubt about that.
But when that started to become an effort I knew something was up.

So now taking complete ownership for the way my business has turned out over the past year!
Taking complete ownership for not leading my team to total epic success.

Taking complete ownership for throwing myself into more and more instead of dealing with what I truly needed to deal with.
Grief isn’t something that gets smaller,  you just have to get bigger and work around it.

Grief will pop up and punch you in the face every now and again, but it is up to you on how long you keep trying to cover up the black eye with concealer and foundation!
Eventually that shit is gonna show and it’s gonna take more than good makeup to hide it.
And sometimes you forget it’s there and then you take your sunnies off and someone reminds you of it and it just feels like another hit in the face.

Grief triggers will continue to pop up throughout life no matter what.
It is something I have spoken about so much but in this past month it is like I just forgot everything I had worked on and learnt over the years.

My mind and my body took me back to 2015.
I was empty. I had burnt out. Even though I was still showing up for everyone else I was not showing up for me.

So I finally listened!
I stopped! I took myself out of the salon, I watched almost 24 hours of netflix in 2 days, I ate chocolate, drank soft drink, smoked a joint and just said fuck it, I am done!
Cried enough to probably fill those now, clean and clear canals in Italy and I sat in the pain, I really truly allowed myself to feel it.

And then.

I asked for help!
I reached out, I reached up and I allowed myself to receive the messages from above and the help from human professionals as well (hahaha) to guide me through this!
Still working on it!

Actually we are all and will always be a work in progress!

And I think the biggest and best thing of all is we are here to have a human experience and all the answers we need are already within us, we just have to ask the right questions.
Sometimes we have to be forced to completely stop and reset to be able to take the next step and get to the questions to get to the answers!

So now too moving forward without judgement of myself or others.

Moving forward with love.
Moving forward with clarity and connection

Moving forward with grief as my super power

Moving forward being open and ready to receive.
I am a badass

Now, are you ready to move forward with me?

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